The Psychological Power of Asking for Advice
Never ask for an opinion; ONLY ask for advice.
There is a reason people don't support your endeavors deeply. They keep an arm's length distance, not fully committing to stand with you. They offer an opinion that appears to support, but it still falls short.
Influence them with how you ask.
An opinion can bring good feedback, but it allows them to keep their distance. There is a psychological reason for this phenomenon.
Robert B. Cialdini, PH.D, covers this in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. When they are asked for an opinion, it's like asking for their judgment. The natural reaction is to be impartial, causing them to step back and become less engaged.
Asking for advice is more influential.
When you are asked for advice, you psychologically put yourself in the mind of the person asking. It implies a plea for assistance. You perceive the subject differently, and you naturally want to take a more active and supportive role.
Think about how you ask the question.
What do you think?
What do you think I should do?
Do you think this is a good idea?
Would you do this if you were me?
These questions fall under an "opinion" mindset.
I have used these questions on too many occasions when it came to my writing and other endeavors. Until I understood the difference, I didn't know why anyone I asked was less committed to helping me later.
My career in IT provides me with the opportunity to plan projects, write documentation, and implement these projects. I had one project where I needed to deploy software to a set of users. I asked my supervisor for his opinion on the plan, and he said it looked good. Once the implementation started, I found myself mostly on my own, working long hours with minimal support.
How should we ask?
What advice would you give me?
What have you seen others do in this situation that worked well?
What might be the long-term consequences of this approach?
How would you think through this decision if it were you?
These questions put the recipient into the "advice" mindset.
I've started to experiment with this at home and work, and I've noticed an astounding difference.
On a recent project, I gathered information to implement new virtual systems for a different group of end users. This time around, I approached my question differently. I stated that I put a project plan together, and that I could use my supervisor's advice on the approach for delivering these systems to the end users.
This changed how my supervisor responded.
He spent more time going over the plans. He was more engaged and offered support in the implementation. It was a huge contrast to when I had asked for his opinion.
Let's dive into the psychology of asking for advice.
Perspective Mechanism
Asking for advice triggers the recipient to put themselves into your position. They take your perspective during the process, causing a closer connection to you and the subject matter.
Reflecting on my situation, I asked my supervisor about one specific part of the project. He adjusted his perspective to view the project from my view, someone planning it out. This was not only for the one aspect I asked for advice on, but for the project as a whole.
Psychological Commitment
As someone is giving advice, they subconsciously become more invested in your success. This is the "Ownership Effect" and "Ego Investment" working together. They have now taken your perspective, feeling more connected, essentially taking "ownership." The advice personally connects them to you and the subject. They feel they are contributing to what you are doing.
Your success is their success, bringing their ego into the mix.
Giving advice requires them to think of reasons for a course of action. This reinforces the view in their mind, furthering their commitment. The information they provide is usually more actionable. This leads to the psychology of "Consistency". After giving advice, they are more likely to support any action you take that aligns with that advice.
Going back to my story, my supervisor looked at the project as if he were the owner of it, providing advice on the approach from that point of view. This brought more commitment and follow-up. I had later been given a small team to help implement the systems. My success was his success.
Persuasion Effect
When you ask someone for advice, it implies respect for their expertise, knowledge, and experience. It's complimentary, making them feel good. This triggers "Reciprocity"; we feel obligated to help those who need our guidance.
A bond is created during this process between you and the recipient.
Studies have shown that asking for advice makes others perceive you as more competent.
My project had become a success due to the approach and the team given to me to complete it. Asking for advice from my supervisor led to my ability to persuade him to give me that team.
The next time you need someone's input on anything you're doing, make sure to ask for advice, and NOT an opinion. They'll feel complemented, bonded to you, and compelled to be committed.
Asking for advice helped to bring more success into my career, but don't take my word for it; I advise you to give it a try yourself.
